Book, thanks, reality and a laugh

Lifestyle, Literature

Hi all. My god, it’s so long since I wrote a blog, they’ve changed the layout here on the site software! Well looking forward to those cold winter nights as it’s getting dark earlier and earlier. Isn’t that day coming soon when they change the clock around again and throw everything into confusion? Can’t be far off. My apologies for not writing in a while but it’s been my busiest summer to date and I haven’t really had any time. Moving flat didn’t help, as there are about 50 different companies to email after changing address even after you’ve sorted the furnature out and hung all the pictures..

Reading Ben Elton’s “Dead Famous” at the moment. I feel slightly ambivalent about it. The story centres around a group of weirdos and dullards in a “big brother” style show called “house arrest“. It goes into how one of them is murdered and the mystery of how it was done with so many cameras in the house.

The production company is not called “Endemol” but “Peeping tom productions” which is a fair joke on the part of Ben. Only trouble so far with this book is that I hate shows like that and so reading about how bad and false they are is sort of old news to me. But to be fair the book was written quite a few years ago and I only bought it to read whilst waiting to play at Saturday nights gig. On the up side though, I am studying philosophy right now, so It stops me getting distracted I suppose and provides some relief when I don’t feel like reading about the meaning of life etc. any more.

Just want to say hello to Mike and Arabella who I played for on Saturday and Little Izzie and family who I played for on Sunday. You all were lovely and thanks for looking after me.

I’m just having to copy my entire catalogue of mp3’s from one of my hard drives to another so I can change the first hard drive to a “fat” system format, so it will work with my new decks. I started at 5pm. it’s nearly 8pm and it’s still copying. Try copying eleven thousand songs from one drive to another and see how long it takes! Another “Frankenstiens lab” evening.

Well thats all for now, but please check out this brilliant sketch from legends Ronnie Corbett and Harry Enfield. A brilliant take on modern technology! Watch them trying to keep a straight face towards the end..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0o-afuVzTw

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New features, panic and salvation

Lifestyle

Hey there! That sounded very American didn’t it? Well I felt like exclaiming as it’s been a while since I’ve blogged here. Well I’ve been working on myorganic health foods site (now defunked – 2019) as well as other things.

We’ve been to Germany to see my girlfriend’s mum and she’s still there in hospital. (Girlfriend, not her mum) Nothing stopping me from saying that now, as she’s had the operation and all went well.Thank god, it was a worrying time! One funny thing to come out of it was that I had to take the hire car back to Hamburg from Bremen without Becky and all was going well until I hit a traffic jam. I waited and waited not worried about the time as I was way too early in order to get the paperwork sorted with the car before closing time in Hamburg at 18:00 when the actual flight didn’t leave until about 21:00.

Well as the jam cleared I looked at the sat-nav and noticed to my horror that it had crashed and only had about four vertical lines of grey on the screen! Oh crap. No map. No idea of location. Try as I might I couldn’t turn the damn thing off to re-boot!

So I’m in a queue of traffic and I decide to head for Bremen and see if I can pull over somewhere. This I did. Through sheer rebeliousness, I’d smuggled my tiny (can’t do without it) swiss army knife in the flight hand luggage (which is all I had). I pulled out the tooth pick and whittled it down to a point, so I could access the hole in which the reset button resided. And thank god it worked! About 6 frantic minutes were passed while I waited for it to come back online and then it was as good as new for me to proceed along the worst autobahn in Germany today, with more roadworks, treacherous narrow overtaking lanes and contraflows than any M6 nightmare. I guess that was my Bond moment this lifetime…

Anyway, I just want to announce that I finally got my shit together and got an availability checker for all you lovely customers out there to see if I can do your gig straight from the home page. If I can’t do it on your chosen date, Drop me an email anyway and I’ll recommend some good reliable DJ’s that I know who won’t let you down like some out there. It’s a free service designed to help you steer clear of the cowboys in this business (I don’t get commission) of which there are a few.

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, if the DJ is more important to you then try to find one BEFORE securing the venue, as you stand much more chance of having a great party with the right DJ than you do with any particular venue.

Well that’s quite enough work for one day. Time for tea and telly.

Have a great weekend and see you soon,

Mike

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Screeching, smoke and exhausted.

Audio, Lifestyle

Children’s parties.

Hi all. Dj’d for a children’s party this week. I like children’s parties. It’s definitely not about the money! Is it ever about the money? Well we all have to pay the rent, but lately I have looked into the world of online business (no, I’m not giving this job up) and my idea that if you’re not passionate about it, it will be hard to do indeed, seems to be prevalent there for sure. Anyway, children make great punters. They don’t have to have a drink before they summon up the courage to get on the floor. They just go for it from the start with their wonderful shrill voices and the parents looking slightly stressed. I’m glad we didn’t have any smoke detectors in the venue, as they were asking me about once every two minutes for more smoke! I was happy to oblige of course, but I have to say that before long, I couldn’t really see anyone from about 1 foot past the front of the console. Hello to Josh, Faye and possy if you’re reading this. And thank you to the church hall/coffee morning lady who offered me a bacon sandwich out of the blue (Very nice it was too I should say. Havent had bread like that since I lived near an ASDA!)

Sod’s law

Why does stuff always go wrong with your mobile disco van just before the weekend? My vans are well looked after and maintained but in this business not many (actually nobody I’ve ever met except someone who came into an inheritance) can afford to buy a brand new one, so you’re always going to be catching up with the result of the previous owners thrashing of their company vehicle. I was no exception on Friday evening. On the way home that night, I got within a mile of home and guess what? I heard this clanking noise on coming from underneath and assumed that the spare wheel frame had dropped. That reminds me, what happened to my spare wheel? I’m sure I had it when I bought this van! I must get another one. Do they sell them at scrap yards? Anyway, no it wasn’t the now empty spare wheel frame dropping through lack of content. No of course it was the exhaust pipe falling in half some 2 weeks after passing its MOT….?? I had nowhere to pull over far enough to do anything, so I continued home with the hazards on and the pipe clanking along the road.

As I pulled into home, a friendly faced neighbour looked sympathetically at me jangling and clanking up to the garage. It was then I recalled that I’d left my tools in the car, but as it happens, all I needed was a jack and something to tie the loose pipe up to the chassis.

Of course I am covered for breakdowns, but I seem to have this fierce independent streak that a lot of us men have, that only if the van is broken in two halves would I sit and wait for an hour whilst the rescue service locate and attend. So I got to the children’s party next day with my exhaust tied up like an amateur bondage victim having taken it to the tyre and exhaust place for them to ascertain which bits they needed to order that morning. After the lunch time party I sweated as I loaded the van up to make it in time for the actual fitting in Littlehampton before they closed.

I have to tell you it was an experience driving there for the second time that day. As I headed down the A”%( or A259 if you remember to take your left finger off the shift button, the engine gradually got louder and louder and louder and louder thus precipitating the fear that I wouldn’t actually make it there before the whole thing fell off at the manifold/engine/other end. I was about 1/4 of a mile away when I hit the wonderful Littlehampton police station gas pipe replacement  project with it’s unbfeasibly long traffic light delay, but I was prepared for this so I simply switched off the engine for the five and a half long minutes before the green light came back on.

Arrival

Finally pulling into the exhaustmiester’s yard, the sense of relief was that of someone being pushed along a hospital corridor on a stretcher into the operating theatre thinking: “I’ve done all I can for myself to get here. Now I’m leaving it in your capable hands.” Excuse me whilst I retire to the waiting room to enjoy my sense of relief with a cup of that tea from the vending machine and an obscure magazine about classic cars that will no doubt be waiting for me on the table in the middle of all garage waiting rooms, whilst trying not to get too interested in the diagrams of exhausts and tyre types on the wall.

So anyway the upshot is that a few minutes into the repair, the bloke came into the waiting room and apologised but the suppliers had only sent one of the bits that he ordered earlier that day, thus denying me instantly the full satisfaction and post traumatic relief of a fully repaired van. Oh well, back for the rest this week. Yes they did a temporary repair on the other part for which they had no part so as long as I don’t drive to Liverpool, I should be OK.

Well I’ve just paid our rent today, so after that I think I need a lie down…Have a great week and see you soon.

Mike.

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Shafted then relief

Audio, Lifestyle

Hi there just a quick one this week. I’d just like to say to DR. S. at the St Richards hospital. You are a real a***hole. I played extra time for you and I broke the golden rule. I didn’t ask you for money up front. I wonder what would have happened if I didn’t ask for the main fee upfront? Would you have shafted me over that as well? Probably but we’ll never know. Sometimes I’m too trusting but I’m not a total bloody moron! Interesting subject is money and payment. Right now a mate of mine is trying to get money out of a certain hotel in Brighton for a number of Christmas functions, one of which I did for him myself. This hotel chain is owned by a multi millionare from what I am told and has a pretentious variation on the word “blue” in it’s title/brand name. The payment has been politely asked for, invoiced, politely asked for and subsiquently ignored and ignored and ignored. It’s now at the court stage and they are theatening an order to shut down the business or some such “seemingly out of proportion, but necessary to solve the problem” thing.

Just think how much better this world would be if everyone, business and private actually paid their bills on time! Yes it’s mad, it’s crazy and it seems like a new and radical idea doesn’t it? No not really. Bills are my first priority. If you make extra money. Pay the bills first. Peace of mind is priceless. Carribean holidays are nice if there’s enough left over. If not, you have more time than you think. Make the extra money. Don’t borrow unless it’s an emergency. Debt and late payment are the scurge of the modern age, along with drugs and fake mental disorders – To sell more drugs of course. Anyway, I digress. Tight b*****ds are not exclusively rich. There are poor tight b*****ds and rich tight b*****ds. It’s not a good measuring stick. At least poor tight b*****ds have some justification for holding onto their precious lolly (there’s a word from the past). Rich tight b*****ds or even slightly rich tight b*****d doctors have no justification. If you deliver a great product (which everyone else agreed that I did) then you should have fair exchange for it and if that doesn’t sound fair it’s a good sign of insanity. So there you are Doctor S. You’re not just a tight slightly rich b*****d but you’re a fruit cake too with a genuine mental disorder. I’d just like to finish this bit by saying thank you to the other doctor who promised to sort out payment the next day and then never called. You guys are an inspiration to us all.

In complete contrast I would like to say a big thankyou to Wendy and family with the After eight club for a great comedy relief night on the Friday 18th March where we raised around £500.00 and the crowd were absolutley brilliant. I love it when the crowd get’s into the dancing en-mass. It’s my main statistic of course and try as one might it doesn’t always happen.

See you all next time and have a great week. Don’t forget the clocks go forward this weekend so I feel your pain when it comes to getting up an hour earlier! Take care,

Mike.

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Warm up to the big season and acknowledgements

Audio, Lifestyle

Hi all. Just to let you know I’m available again for New Years Eve due to a cancellation. Prices start at £500.00 for an amazing night out. New years eve is the best night of the year so make sure you book the best. Last year I was at The Ship Hotel in Chichester and it was wild! Enquiries are bound to come in even at this late hour so don’t um and err for long…

Reviews

Thanks to my clients this weekend for showing your love. Mel, Chris, Joelle and Dave in that order. Hope to see you all again soon and thanks for the great reviews.

Hello to Andy. Nice talking with you today. Hope it all works out this year and next.

TV

My tip for Christmas TV. Most of you out there have posh new HD ready TV’s in your front room right? I bet you have at least one laptop with an HDMI connection. Well if you do, Get yourself an extra cable so when the awful TV comes on you can run your TV catch up sites through your big screen TV and watch all the best of what you didn’t have time to watch before. If you havent got an HDMI connection from your PC there may well be other ways so check it out, as most new TV’s have a multitude of connections that could potentially come from a PC such as VGA although this may or may not give you HI-Definition. Mind you even here in Worthing, I would struggle to get the bandwidth needed for that!  If you need extra long cables try going to leads direct in Seaford. You can order from their site. Also there is lots of classic comedy to be viewed on youtube from days gone by as you may have realised either from previous blogs or just surfing on your own. So there you have it. You don’t have to watch Only Fools And Horses (good as it is and was) or some lousy American Santaclause movie for the 600th time. Good luck!

Decorations

Ok well if you haven’t got your decorations up yet, why not? Come on you muppet! Get into the spirit of it all. I’m ordering you to do so! I mean we might even have snow at Christmas and then what are you going to look like eh? Just immagine if you were driving down the road and every single house actually had lights up in the front room etc. AND it snowed at the same time? I’d have to go out and take pictures then would’nt you?

Last word

Alright that’s enough bossiness. Have a great Christmas and New Year if I don’t blog before then, which at my current frequency is highly possible. Well I’m afraid I’m one of those people who only blog when they’ve actually got something to say. Commercial suicide I know, but there you are…

Take care,

Mike.

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Comfy in winter and please stop raining!

Audio, Lifestyle

Hi everyone. At last we’re fully moved in to our new place. Much anticipation over when the broadband router would arrive after the couriers lost it (now we’ve got two) and when the bookshelves, sofa etc. would get here but now it’s all finally delivered and assembled. Becky is thrilled with the place overall and especially the living room and I must say I have started a new love affair with the new sumptuous cream sofa. We wouldn’t have gone for that colour but when somethings reduced from £500 to £250 and it’s that good, well what can a man do? We originally bought one (new) off of that ebay and when we put it together I was astounded at how thoroughly uncomfortable it was. You didn’t so much sink into it, as sit upright on it and gradually slide off. Never mind. It’s sitting (no pun intended but I’ll take them where I can.) in a church reception now and the’yre thrilled at the donation. It works quite well in that setting, but as a living room sofa? Nada, nine, nyet, negative captain, noooo!

I did about the 45th wedding this year at Bosham Sailing club on Saturday night and it didn’t stop raining for more than 5 minutes all night! unusual weather indeed. Luckily the 5 minutes it stopped for were the 5 minutes that it took me to load the van at the end of the gig. I still got wet though. I was trying to have a fag every hour and a half or so and the back of the the gig is a marquee. Trouble with that is, when you lean out in the rain you get great drops of water falling on your head as there’s no gutter on these things. I ended up just going out and standing in the damn rain as I just got less soaked that way.

Baldy

I  must say there are definite advantages to having a shaved head. No one can tell when you’ve been out in it. You look the bloody same but for a bit of shine. No hair to get messed up and no barbers bills either. Get up in the morning and nothing to do except brush your teeth have a couple of mouthfuls of  berries (cereal makes you fat. – It took me 43 years to learn that!), some double cream (it’s ok without the carbs) and off out the door! this really appeals to my male sense of urgency and slight laziness. Of course when the ladies’ coming out with me, it’s best to settle down into the said comfy sofa and read war and peace whilst you wait for all the preperation that you don’t have to do, to be done by the afore mentioned. Most women have some hair and make-up and they have my empathy…even if I do get frustrated and resort to pacing up and down the flat, not quite having enough time to do anything substantial but having a bit too much time to hang about not doing anything substantial.

Taxi Service

Oh by the way, (meanwhile back at the ranch) the bride and groom Sue and paul were caught out by the taxi firm and I ended up giving them a lift home. That’s the first time I’ve had a bride and groom in the passenger seat of the Expert or any other van. I really should have taken a picture, but you don’t think of these things at the time do you? Hi to you both if you’re reading this. And thanks for the review.

Singing in the rain

Well this is the “dead season” coming up now so I guess we might get to go out a bit our selves on a few weekends. Beckies’ dying to see me do some karaoke as I still love to sing when I can, all be it a bit rusty now.  That being said, if you want to book me I’ll happily stand her up and do your party instead as, well…Rent has to be paid and all that.

Think that sounds cruel? Then you don’t know how much this place is to rent! believe me, she understands.

Until next time, Have a great week and don’t work too hard, unless it’s really worth it of course!

Cheers,

Mike.

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Still here but waiting for proper internet back

Audio, Lifestyle

Hi. Just a real quicky to say that I’m still here and funking. I won’t write much more as I’m still waiting for Opal to get my new broadband router delivered after the couriers lost it already and mobile broadband is so patchy that last week after writing a very long and funny blog, I lost the lot on a “time out”.

We’re getting the new flat up and running and waiting on some book shelves and a sofa before we invite anyone round.

We’ve already managed to break the glass lenses of the kitchen light fitting and are trying in vain to replace them from Ebay. First Becky breaks one whilst cleaning and then I break one whilst trying to catch a daddy long legs of which she is petrified thanks to her spider phobia. So you see it’s all Beckie’s fault really. Ok not really.

I’m trying to decide whether or not to go to BPM in Birmingham on October 2nd, well 3rd or 4th actually. It’s the biggest DJ trade show but the one thing I want to have a look at won’t be demo’d due to the noise factor of the situation in a trade fair. ie: Speakers.

Well better wrap it up now. Pathetically short as this blog is, I don’t want to lose this one as well. Have a great weekend and hello to my wedding disco clients this week.

Mike.

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Moving Stories.

Audio, Lifestyle

Changing pads

Hi again. Next week we’re moving to Worthing and I’m dreading all that lifting and packing. You’d think as a DJ I’d take it all in my stride wouldn’t you? But as this will be about the 55th move since I left the home of my Transient military family, I know exactly how much of a sweaty, groany, tiresome business it is. On the upside I’m looking forward to living in a flat where you can walk straight out of the kitchen and into the back yard where there will be a table chairs and parasol waiting for us to sit down and have breakfast, dinner or barbacue etc. Also having a living room with a fireplace (just for the look only) and parking space for the vehicles at Cloud And Sun Towers that doesn’t come with overhanging trees and accompanying perpetual bird shit and tree debris to wash off. Yes the car and van will actually stay shiny! You should see them now after a storm has hit. They look like I’ve just driven them through a commercial compost heap.

Wind

I spend my life wondering whether one day a very over grown tree will introduce itself into our bedroom one windy night, but all that’s over now. I love trees by the way, but not the fast growing kind on a bit of no-mans-land. They’ve even blocked out terrestrial TV since I moved here. At 60′ high they show no signs of either slowing down or meeting a tree surgeon any time soon.

Time off

I had a cancellation last Saturday night. The bride and groom split up six months earlier and the “groom no more” who’s job it was to tell me, didn’t bother. Never mind. Becky and I decided to make the most of my complete weekend off as it’s such a rarity. We ended up going out for lunch and then dinner. A bit decadent I know, but as I’ve mentioned on facebook, not enough it seems.

Cops

On the way to Chichester for dinner I got pulled over by the long arm of the law and fined for not wearing a seat belt. By Christ that was an expensive day. I know we’re all supposed to wear them but as an ex truck driver I still have to remember every time I get in to do so. (there aren’t any seatbelts in lorries or haven’t been until recently.) None of this made the young motorbike plod any more sympathetic. The sprogs are always the most keen to dish out paperwork. Give it a few more years and he’ll try and avoid it wherever possible.

False claims

This is beside the point I’m trying to make though. I’ve been a professional driver for around 25 years now. Yes I’m still doing it in the week. I drive special needs folk to and from a day centre when I’m not deejaying.  I’ve had prangs and clips and even two head on crashes before now and not once have I needed a seat belt. I’m not saying we should stop wearing them, I’m just saying that how is it just to punish someone for not ensuring that they might avoid accidently killing themselves? I don’t get it. Surely if I want to kill myself I am free to do so? And how is not wearing a seatbelt going to kill someone else? When you’ve crashed, you’ve…well, crashed. You might be dead, but it doesn’t kill the other guy or the passengers does it? Which brings me to the other official obsession. “speed kills”. No it doesn’t! If speed killed, then we wouldn’t have any racing drivers left would we? You want to know what really kills? It’s nothing to do with seatbelts or speed. It’s ta ta ta ta ta ta taaah….. Inabilty or inattention. If you’re a boy racer and you can’t take that corner at the right speed, that’s inabilty mate. Don’t try to run before you can walk. And while you’re at it, drive your own car and stop nicking ours. If you’re on anti deppressants or alchohol or spliff, or you’ve just had a falling out with a friend or relative, or you’re just plain knackered. That’s inattention. Oh and before you mention other road users and the stupid things they might do.. If you have your attention on the job, you can compensate with defensive driving can’t you?

Punitive

We live in such a punitive society don’t we? Nobody except the wonderful emergency services (the irony) are acknowledged for their hard won skills and experience. What’s that saying? If you’ve done something for five years you’re an expert. If you’ve done it for ten years you’re a doctor. If you’ve done it for twenty years, you’re a professor. As I said before. I’ve been professional for 25 years. Surely my opinion counts for something? I reckon they should leave us alone and if they insist on pulling us over, I have ears and a brain. I don’t need a whopping £60 bill to remind me to obey (or else) the arbitrary law of the realm in future outings. Oh by the way, I talked about some of my point with the young whipper-snapper who pulled me over. One of the things he said was that “on the down side, I’ve known people die in their cars when the car caught fire and they couldn’t remove their seatbelt in time.”  Discuss.

Have a great weekend and remember to belt up or you might be sending that painful envelope off to Edward Street in Brighton. Think on…

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Weather, aerials and bad radio blues…

Audio, Lifestyle

Hi all again. Not a bad summer is it? Not too hot. No rain to speak of.. and one of my broken bass bins (now repaired) comes back tomorrow by courier hopefully.That’s such a weight off, as I’ve got some biggies coming up and I need the extra oomph!

Business

I’m doing lots of gigs right now of either weddings or foreign students. I’ve had to resort to taking in paper and pen, as the other week a Russian 13 year old asked me for “leeki par-nmm” Eh? 5 times he tried to get the message accross and you’ve got to remember that I’m standing in a loud environment at the best of times, so it’s a delicate balancing act trying to hear them without getting your ear drum shattered from the requestee shouting in it. Turned out it was “Linkin’ Park – Numb”. What do you mean you’ve never heard of it? Oh you’re a radio 2 listener are you? Well confession time…I do Chris moyles in the morning (only in the biblical sense) and Number 2 there after as it’s more random and just brilliant for picking up back catalogue tunes. Refreshingly, You never quite know what you’re going to hear. How many stations can you say that about? Not many commercial ones that’s for shure.- ooops, that’s “shure” the microphone company. I thought that was wrong.

Reception

That reminds me. I must get the aerial replaced on our old but gorgeous VW golf. I love her to bit’s. She drives like a dream (1.8 CL) but only picks up BBC radio Sussex on the inherited stereo (won’t play cd’s either) unit. Now there’s a radio station! Every tune a thousand years old guaranteed! I’m going out of my mind. We’ve got an ipod, but with all the DJ business I can never get round to putting any more then the 300 odd songs on it already. Ipod owners will know that this is an obsticle that must be confronted in order not to get bored with your all time favourite songs and literally lose the will to live any more. For without those to fall back on; what is the point of it all?

Have a great weekend and think of me working my nuts off!

Mike

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Open All Hours

Audio, Lifestyle

It’s been another interesting week. As I type this I feel like Ronnie Barker at the end of an episode of “Open all hours” hence the title.
Yesterday was a mammoth day in all aspects.

I had a gig through an agency and it said the set up time was 11am. This is fine normally for most gigs for most Deejays as they don’t tend to stray far from home and go to said place in between setting up the show and actually coming on at night, some even programming the background music to come on before they get there in the evening. Ian, I so admire your confidence in technology..I on the other hand, cover the entire South of England so I can’t just pop back from Salisbury to jolly old Barnham for some dinner and TV.

I meant to ask the bride if I needed to be there at 11am as I knew she was not getting back to the venue until 3:45pm but forgot and called her the day before to ask her this very thing. Alas, she was at a friends house for the day before and for some reason, she may still not have received the mobile answer phone message that I left her.

Have you ever had that thing where the message turns up days later? I know I have. Anyway I had another brilliant gig as you will see when I put the video blog up and even got given a bottle of wine as a thank you (for being here all this time and staying awake?) from the Bride and Groom who were a wonderful couple and had many friends who had helped out with the costumes etc. which shows that I’m not just saying they were wonderful!

On the way home though, I suddenly realised I should have brought some matches to prop open my eyelids as I couldn’t drive anywhere without really wanting to close them. I’ve been a temp truck driver for years so I know all about odd hours and “sleep driving” but this was severe! I’ve never been this tired before. Never mind, I’m still here to tell the tale.

Here endeth todays  blog.

Take care,

Mike

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