Wedding speech? try mixing in these witty quotes

Lifestyle, Uncategorized

Hey all you wedding blokes. I’m not addressing the brides here, because I’ve never seen a bride make a speech yet, so if you are that bride, Please go somewhere else whilst your fiancee reads up on this lot.

 

Blokes pay attention! I’ve collected some of the funniest quotes to mix in with your speech and in case you’re wondering whether they are well worn, Don’t worry. I’ve done tonnes of weddings and I ain’t heard any of them yet!

Here you go. Tuck into this little feast and don’t say uncle Mike never does anything for you. OK?

 

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)

I love being married. It’s so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. (Rita Rudner)

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)

There’s only one way to have a good marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I’ll get married
again. (Clint Eastwood)

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret. (Henry Youngman)

A man walks up to a gorgeous woman in a large market and says, “Excuse me but, I’ve lost my
wife somewhere here in the market, could you talk to me for a few minutes?” “Why?” she asks.
“Well, whenever I talk to beautiful woman my wife suddenly appears out of nowhere.”

Here’s to our wives and lovers. May they never meet.

The most effective way to remember your wedding anniversary is to forget once.

There are only two times in a man’s life when he can’t understand a woman – before marriage and
after marriage.

We call him the exorcist in our house. Every time he comes around, he rids us of all our spirits.

It was an emotional wedding. The mother of the bride cried. Even the cake was in tiers.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” The
husband replied, “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

Speech-making is a bit like prospecting for Black Gold. If you don’t strike oil in 10 minutes, stop
boring.

I’m told that the best speech makers follow three simple rules. Stand Up. Speak Up. Then, very
quickly, Shut Up. I’ll try to stick to that advice.

The brain is a wonderful thing. It never stops functioning from the time you’re born until the
moment you stand up to make a speech.

Why does a woman work for 10 years to change a man’s habits, and then complain he’s not the
man she married? – Barbara Streisand

The trouble with being the best man at a wedding is that you never get to prove it.

I can honestly say that in all the years I’ve known him, no one has ever questioned John’s
intelligence. In fact, I’ve never heard anyone even mention it.

Man who sinks into woman’s arms, soon has his arms in woman’s sink. – Confucius

Best man speech: Tim and Patricia, what a wonderful day it is to be getting married. As we all know marriage carries many new responsibilities. Patricia, from now on, you must never argue or even disagree with Tim, because as we all know he is now the head of the family and the king of his castle. You must keep your hair, makeup, and clothes perfect at all times. You should always cook Tim’s favorite foods and encourage him to go out with his friends often. Do these few simple things and you will surely be blessed with many years of happiness. (Pause to let it sink in) Patricia, I know that Tim loves you very, very much… (Slight pause) because he spent a long, long time writing this speech for me. Congratulations to you both!

Marriage is a 3-ring circus – engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don’t like to interrupt her.

My Wife Says I Never Listen, Or Something Like That.

Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? They won’t stop to ask directions!

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Latest news and developments

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Just a quicky today. I just went to County hall in Chichester to have a photoshoot done for the only trading standards approved mobile DJ in Worthing or sussex for that matter! Lot’s of poses were posed as expected and when I asked to look at the thumbnails on the photographer’s camera I was a bit depressed, as it really appears to shows my age! I’m not hiding the fact that yes I am 45, but those flashes pick up on everything, especially on a bloomin’ white background! Never mind, They should feature me in the magazine one day soon, so when they do, I’ll scan it in and use it here for more shameless self promotion!

Playing at Landsdown hotel in Hove tomorrow night. First wedding disco of the year and a 6 hour long one. The only thing that bothers me is that it’s a noise limited room, so I am going to have to have one eye on the box on the far wall all 6 hours to make sure I don’t cut the power out. That’s a shame. I’d rather be fully concentrating on everything else, like reading the crowd, choosing great tracks, mixing etc. Oh well, rough with the smooth eh?

Just included a link to my facebook page on my home page, as various customers have sought me out and requested to be friends. I must say I’m flattered, but it’s not a commercial page, so it comes complete with the odd swear word where I get passionate now and then. People, you have been warned…

 

Have a great week and See you soon

 

Mike

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Winter hibernation in the library

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Hi all.  I was in Worthing library last week satisfying my thirst for knowledge and I came accross this book just before kicking out time:How to DJ properly by Frank Broughton and Bill Brewster. “Hmm” I thought. “Probably not much I need to learn from that after 12 years of doing it” However, Curiosity got the better of me and I opened it up. I’m glad I did. True enough, After 12 years of mobile deejaying, there wasn’t much I haven’t done, but the book was so well written and downright funny. Not only that, it’s nice sometimes to get a cold evaluation of what you do and why it’s valuable to the end user. So here is the opening part of the first chapter entitled:

The craft.

Dj’s track down greatness in music and squeeze it together, like a master chef who picks one perfect cherry from each tree to make his pie, a DJ condenses all the work and talent into a single concentrated performance. DJ’s bring all the right things together. That’s why we like them so much.

And they make it to measure. None of this off-the-peg, one-size-fits-all rubbish; when you hear a DJ play, you’re getting a unique performance, exactly suited to the moment. Proper DJs don’t just trot out a load of nice tunes, they think carefully about the time, the place and the people in front of them and choose something that’s perfect.

This is the real skill of Dj-ing and it doesn’t come easily. Knowing music, finding music, understanding music is something that takes years. And once you’ve started there’s no end. The real work of a DJ happens behind the scenes. Playing records is rarely hard work, but doing the research and amassing the knowledge to do it well is a full time job.

The other great task ahead of you is to learn about people. You know your own musical tastes; now you have to understand everyone else’s. Not only that, but you must learn about their feelings – what makes them laugh and smile and dance and go crazy. Again, this takes time and experience. Your brain must record and tabulate the wildly different emotions the music can generate. A great librarian knows which shelves the raunchiest, most revolutionary books are on; a great guitarist knows where all the good notes live. A great DJ knows which records make people lose themselves.

A musician, however legendary, is trapped by the limitaions of their instrument. But as a DJ you have the entire history of recorded sound to play with. Unlike a band, forced to plough through your back catalogue (again) through bad amplifiiers, you can choose from every artist, every track, every remix ever made and you can deliver them with clear, crisp studio perfection. You might pick just one track from an artists entire career, drive the crowd wild and dissmiss everything else in their repotoir as pointless. We don’t doubt that the skill of the average musician is greater than that of the average DJ, but doubtless the DJ controls more musical power than the musician ever did.

As a DJ you become the focus for all the greatness in the music you play. All the emotional force, the lyrical, spiritual impact of your records gets reflected back to you – even if you’re tired and slightly shitfaced and keen to see the end of the night. Track down some good tunes, patchwork them together and people act as if you’ve made all the music from scratch. It becomes truly your performance. “Curses” say the worlds rock stars. “Here’s my room number” says the DJ.

Added to this is the jobs enviable cultural clout. The DJ is the taste maker, the discoverer, the champion of the new sound or scene. No musical movement can spread it’s wings too far without the DJs approval. people write endless books about how Muddy Waters, The Beatles and Bob Dylan changed music. The truth is, they wouldn’t have effected much beyond their own back yards without DJs playing their records. (edited)  Most new styles win through by the DJ trying to keep hold of the dance floor. His high maintainance lover…..

And so it goes on: with quotes from famous DJs on every page like this one on mixing out of a great track too quick from DJ Kool Herc (no, me neither) “I’m dancing with this girl, trying to get my shit off but the DJ’s fucking my groove up. The whole party’d be like “Yaah what the fuck is that…? Why you took the record of there? That shit was about to explode. I was about to bust a nut.” Obviously a man not known for holding back on his Critique..

Another great quote from the authors on going live from practicing: “Bedroom DJing is a lot like masturbation: There’s no risk of upsetting your audience, but there’s no one to cheer and scream when you get it right. So what’s it like playing for a crowd for the first time? Well immagine you’ve been given the chance to have sex with loads of people when up until now you’ve been locked away in your room wanking away on your own.”

Another one about building your set through the night: “Make sure whichever shape you go for, its a ride through the Himalayas and not a coach trip accross the Netherlands”

Nice to read about what you tought yourself to do all those years ago and realise that you’ve basically through hard won experience, got it right. DId I learn anything? Well sort of. I’ve been meaning to try out Harmonic mixing for ages and this book explains it in more detail than I knew from being an ex musician. Let’s just see if the software that I’ve been using will finish the job of analysing the key of around 12 000 songs..

Have a great week,

Mike

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Fuel, parking and restricted travel

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Hi all. Just went to Portishead near Bristol the other day to meet a potential girlfriend. Sadly, though we had a great day out, it wasn’t to be. What really stung was the price of the  diesel! Around £75.00 there and back! (and it’s only 160 miles away). I guess it’s time to intstall one of these systems.

This year appears to be one of the quietest Christmases for work. All my other DJ friends say the same. I guess it’s because all our money’s going to the government and oil companies. Never mind, It’s still a great time of year for going mental on the dance floor! Surprising amount of people getting married this month. I guess it makes the anniversaries easier to remember?

Next year to raise money for a good cause which would take too long to explain here, I am going to host a large singles type disco night up in East Grinstead and it will cost around £10.00 per head. The first one is on January 28th so let me know if you’re interested and I can supply more info for you.

Tonight I am doing a gig for someone else ie: not my own customer. The hotel has nowhere to park, is a bugger to get into and when you finally make it, there is a noise limiter device which cuts the power to the stage on all sockets within around 50 metres if you go above the level of a small kitchen radio. Some gigs you really just do for the money. Next week I have another one in Brighton and Hove with no parking. This is why I don’t advertise in that area. All you Brighton deejays: You’re entirely welcome to it!

I once used to have an agent send me up to a gig in Covent Garden just off the Aldwich above The Strand. You had to have your wits about you there. It was an 8 story venue with no parking and clamper vans and wardens circling like vultures right up until 18:00 hours on the dot Greenwich mean time. The first night I played there, I got all the equipment into the 6th floor which meant getting what then was around £10 000 worth of stuff into the front foyer and leaving it unattended whilst going to park the van in Drury lane NCP three streets away (Around £25.00 per night). You then had to walk 3 streets back and get all the stuff to the lift 200 yards away at the back of the ground floor, after which you had to take it up bit by bit in the under sized lift. The first time I played there I had some time in between starting, so I pulled the van out of said expensive car park and parked it legally (I thought) in a space out front. Turns out it was a residents bay or something badly signed and at 2am in the morning I come out and find it clamped. 1/2 hour later, £115.00 down and a bunch of Somalians are dissappearing with my denver boot in the back of their Campdon council van. I did that gig about three times after that, but I don’t any more. Just not worth the stress….

On an up note I had a great gig last week in East Grinstead, thanks to my mate Andy from Foxrox discos. I hosted a big band night that they have there once a year. Great 20 piece big band and the crowd were really up for it. The place was pretty well packed out. I love those gigs where there are lots of people everywhere. It really makes it fun. I’ve done a few gigs this year where the attendance has been low and despite my best efforts, understandably, those that are there have a hard time getting into it.

Right now my landlord is digging up the front of the house and putting in block paving. It’ll be great when it’s finished, but getting the gear out today was a right sod. He helped me, but he wont be there at 2am tomorrow morning so like i say, tonight is just one to get through!

Sorry if this one was a bit of a downer. I’ll try and make the next one better but hey, this is real life!

Watch one of  my favourite comedians to bring you up once more! 

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My recent post on “How to be a DJ”

Audio, Uncategorized

Warning: This blog is more directed at deejays. It was something I posted today on a DJ Site for learners. If it’s your cup of tea then fine. I’m just saying!

I burned a CD for a customer last night for their wedding ceromony. It was the first CD I’ve burned in 5 years and without anything but Windows media player it was a severe pain in the arse! I thought Itunes was un-user friendly, but that took the cake..

I have been using a Numark D2 and a laptop with OTS AV (super lightweight ultra reliable DJ Software) now for around the last 5 years. It all started when I was looking for one song and it took me the entire length of the gig to find it on the back of another consolidated CDR. That’s what we used to do. When you had too many CD singles to fit into your boxes, you had to get a twin cd player and consolidate them down to one or two CDR’s. Eventually I had too many CDR albums and that plus the former problem drove me to it! I think that being a mobile DJ and not a club DJ makes us more cutting edge in technology terms, for the simple reason that we have to hang on to all our songs and not just have a little box or these days, cd bag of the current stuff.

I decided to bite the bullet one January when work was thinnest on the ground. I had the help part time of my friend Melenie who was a trained typist and just happened to love my PC keyboard at the time. She enjoyed it and when she couldn’t be there I soldiered on through it. I ripped all my CD songs (about 10,000 at the time) using yes..good old windows media player. I have to say it’s a lot easier to rip than create some stupid bloody play list to burn etc. It took us around 5 weeks of all day and night ripping and typing! But boy, was it worth it. Now I don’t have to carry loads of CD’s around and it can all be found in seconds, which is great at a gig. Of course you lose the inspiration of looking through the physical media, but as Pete Tong says, your deejaying always goes down a bit when you change technology. Don’t worry though, It comes back pretty soon in the heat of the night when you have to have that one great track!

I am one of those rare creatures who has to have two seperate systems in case one goes down. It’s more to carry around but it’s saved my arse on a couple of occasions and actually lends itself really well to the nightly environment. When things are not kicking off yet or I want to have a leak or a cigarette, I leave the Ots AV running and mixing by itself on the laptop. When the floor starts to fill, I switch over to the D2 and manually “mix up a storm” as they say.

My advice is, go for it. If you are a club DJ and you have limited space, Go for an apple with Traktor (industry standard) software. If you are a mobile like me, then I can honestly say that I haven’t wanted to change what I have in 5 years. You can’t get the D2 any more, but the mix track pro should be ok. You just may have to commission a larger console as I have, if you want it wired in and ready.

All the best,

Mike

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Site Building

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Today I was working on my other site (www.cloudandsun.com) and god knows no end of problems came up. I have been working with the worlds moodiest web software for 5 years now. I bought it in Office Depot in Los Angeles in 2003  and have been faithful to it ever since . It has more bugs than a ships biscuit on the Cutty Sark. To give you an idea, they update it about once every three years.
All I wanted to do was install some videos on a new page and ad a link of a fellow business on another, but I might as well have asked Robert Mugabe to run a country. I’d made the mortal mistake of fiddling around a little with the page file names and as a result upon upload they were missing from the servers. Reason: the missing pages had gaps in the titles… I have to say the help and support is usually “awsome” as i have to phone America for it. I could phone the Plymouth office in Devon But they don’t like to speak to you directly. You have to get this thing called a “support ticket” which translated means “if you want our support you can stick it!” I love what I’ve made of the site despite problems such as the text coming out different in the online published site but the bugs just make me want to go off and do something else which I shouldn’t mention here.
I have finally had enough and moved over to the software for the site which you are now gently cruising at 40 000 feet with excellent weather on and just l little dash of turbulance to remind you that you’re still alive.
This is captain Mike. Have a pleasant flight.

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